Sunday, November 28, 2010
Winter Running
One of my strategies for combating the winter doldrums is to keep up my exercise routine. Which means running in the cold - something I've never done before. In an effort to encourage myself to keep running, I just purchased some winter running clothes. In my mind this does not violate my "no clothes diet" since these aren't real clothes and because if I actually do exercise the benefits will be well worth the cost and a valid reason for ditching the diet. I don't feel bad about it. It's for my physical and mental health, particularly since I'm not really feeling the holidays this year. Staying in shape might be the only thing that gets me through.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Red Banner Week
I am proud and amazed to report that I exercised 5 times last week. Five! That might be a record for me. Monday was elliptical and weights, Thursday was treadmill, Friday was short yoga and a little bit (15 minutes) of treadmill, Saturday was long yoga, and Sunday was a 5k run outside.
Very proud. Very proud indeed.
Very proud. Very proud indeed.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Circle of Life
This week has been a range of emotion. So much joy because of the birth of a friend's baby and so much sorrow because of the death of my friend Barbara A. Baker. The baby and her family have their own story to tell.
Today I'm thinking about Barbara.
I know Barbara from grad school in Cleveland. I can't remember the exact moment we met, but I do know it happened early on. Both serious students and workaholics, we got each other. But Barbara wasn't like the other students in grad school She was in her mid-50s, had kids and grand kids, had worked her entire career as an accountant and knew exactly what having a degree in nonprofit management was going to do for her. She was focused and driven and intellectually curious and good at what she did. I liked being around her. Luckily she saw something in me too because we became friends.
Barbara was regal and had eyes that absolutely sparkled. A striking redhead, she was always pulled together and dressed beautifully. But she was also unexpectedly irreverent and non-judgemental and fun. She loved to dance and ate snickers bars for dinner.
Today I'm thinking about Barbara.
I know Barbara from grad school in Cleveland. I can't remember the exact moment we met, but I do know it happened early on. Both serious students and workaholics, we got each other. But Barbara wasn't like the other students in grad school She was in her mid-50s, had kids and grand kids, had worked her entire career as an accountant and knew exactly what having a degree in nonprofit management was going to do for her. She was focused and driven and intellectually curious and good at what she did. I liked being around her. Luckily she saw something in me too because we became friends.
Barbara was regal and had eyes that absolutely sparkled. A striking redhead, she was always pulled together and dressed beautifully. But she was also unexpectedly irreverent and non-judgemental and fun. She loved to dance and ate snickers bars for dinner.
Even though it had been months since we talked, I miss her. The world looks different now. Her presence is missing and I feel it, despite the fact that the sun still rises and sets just the same as it did before.
Barbara A Baker, you were a class act and I vow today to honor you by living my life even more fully and meaningfully and happily. I will miss you and remember you always.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Change of Seasons
It's that time of year when the leaves go from green to gold and the world goes from light to darkness. I know many people look forward to the holidays and the cooler weather, but this change scares me to be honest. I don't do well with winter. Sometimes I am able to hold myself together, but I can remember whole years where this part of the year was spent curled up in bed waiting for spring. I don't like that. It is destructive and wasteful.
So I fight. Fight to keep myself together. Exercising regularly helps. As does having trips and fun activities planned. Last year was really good despite a harsh winter in DC. As winter approaches I strive to be mindful and aware and do everything in my power to fight the temptation to get under the covers and never come out.
But if I can't fight it anymore, I sure am glad to have my Kindle!
So I fight. Fight to keep myself together. Exercising regularly helps. As does having trips and fun activities planned. Last year was really good despite a harsh winter in DC. As winter approaches I strive to be mindful and aware and do everything in my power to fight the temptation to get under the covers and never come out.
But if I can't fight it anymore, I sure am glad to have my Kindle!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Finding My Voice
For most of my life I have been a voracious journal writer. It began when I got a “fill in the blanks” journal for either a birthday or Christmas when I was probably 7 or 8 years old. I still have that journal which reveals, among other things, that my favorite outfit was my Dukes of Hazard t-shirt and a denim skirt and that my favorite song was “You Light Up My Life” by Pat Boone. Yes, I was cool in that way only those of us who grew up in the 70’s can understand.
Since then I’ve had many, many journals and have written off and on for most of the last 30 years. I have a record of all of the important (and unimportant) milestones of life. Like how I felt while my mom was sick and dying and then dead. Of college – undergrad and grad school. Of 18 months in France. Of two years in Senegal. I wrote about it all and there were long periods of time where I wrote daily. It’s a very thorough record of a very solitary life.
For me, journals have been a place to share my unique viewpoint, and work out issues I didn’t feel like I could say to other people. Sometimes, particularly while traveling, I used journals as a way to remind myself where I’d been and what I’d been doing, but mostly my journals have been a place to share my deepest darkest secrets. I never edited them thinking that perhaps they’d be read by others. I used them as therapy. Intended for me, and me, only. And writing came naturally, like eating and breathing. I HAD to do it. No question.
But over the last several years, my drive to write in a journal has all but disappeared. There’s no denying that there is a direct correlation between the dissolution of my marriage and my interest in writing in my journal. For some reason, during this period in my life where for the first time I was failing to achieve something I’d set out to accomplish, I lost my voice. Over a course of 18 months I did the most soul searching I’ve ever done in my entire life (or hope to ever do again) and hardly a word of that process is recorded in my journal. And I’m not really sure why. Perhaps it is as simplistic as me not wanting a record of what I perceived then as failure. Or maybe it’s something else.
All I know is that while I “force” myself to write in my journal now, that automatic need I used to have is all but gone. And I want it back but I don’t really know how to get there. That was one of the intentions behind starting a blog, but it hasn’t made a huge difference. So far…
I guess what I’m saying is I want to refind my voice. I’m trying to refind my voice. And I’m going to refind my voice. Starting today. It might take a while but I want it back.
Why is this so important? Because I know only too well that sometimes life ends too early and all you’re left with is the words that were written. My mother’s journals are literally my most precious possession. If the house were on fire and I had to grab one thing, those journals (and not my own) would be what I would take. It has meant everything to me these last 22 years to have her words, written in her handwriting to go back to time and time again. I read them, and re-read them and re-read them again. And each time I do they mean something new to me, as time passes and my experiences change.
I know that I don’t have anyone in my life who loves me the way that I loved her, but I still think perhaps my words matter and it means something to me to leave a record for the world to know that I was here. I existed and mattered and had a lot to say even though most of the time there was no one there to hear it.
Since then I’ve had many, many journals and have written off and on for most of the last 30 years. I have a record of all of the important (and unimportant) milestones of life. Like how I felt while my mom was sick and dying and then dead. Of college – undergrad and grad school. Of 18 months in France. Of two years in Senegal. I wrote about it all and there were long periods of time where I wrote daily. It’s a very thorough record of a very solitary life.
For me, journals have been a place to share my unique viewpoint, and work out issues I didn’t feel like I could say to other people. Sometimes, particularly while traveling, I used journals as a way to remind myself where I’d been and what I’d been doing, but mostly my journals have been a place to share my deepest darkest secrets. I never edited them thinking that perhaps they’d be read by others. I used them as therapy. Intended for me, and me, only. And writing came naturally, like eating and breathing. I HAD to do it. No question.
But over the last several years, my drive to write in a journal has all but disappeared. There’s no denying that there is a direct correlation between the dissolution of my marriage and my interest in writing in my journal. For some reason, during this period in my life where for the first time I was failing to achieve something I’d set out to accomplish, I lost my voice. Over a course of 18 months I did the most soul searching I’ve ever done in my entire life (or hope to ever do again) and hardly a word of that process is recorded in my journal. And I’m not really sure why. Perhaps it is as simplistic as me not wanting a record of what I perceived then as failure. Or maybe it’s something else.
All I know is that while I “force” myself to write in my journal now, that automatic need I used to have is all but gone. And I want it back but I don’t really know how to get there. That was one of the intentions behind starting a blog, but it hasn’t made a huge difference. So far…
I guess what I’m saying is I want to refind my voice. I’m trying to refind my voice. And I’m going to refind my voice. Starting today. It might take a while but I want it back.
Why is this so important? Because I know only too well that sometimes life ends too early and all you’re left with is the words that were written. My mother’s journals are literally my most precious possession. If the house were on fire and I had to grab one thing, those journals (and not my own) would be what I would take. It has meant everything to me these last 22 years to have her words, written in her handwriting to go back to time and time again. I read them, and re-read them and re-read them again. And each time I do they mean something new to me, as time passes and my experiences change.
I know that I don’t have anyone in my life who loves me the way that I loved her, but I still think perhaps my words matter and it means something to me to leave a record for the world to know that I was here. I existed and mattered and had a lot to say even though most of the time there was no one there to hear it.
Monday, August 23, 2010
It Needs to be Said
I thought this earlier today and knew it needed to be documented for all posterity...I am happier right now than I have ever been in my life.
Nothing in particular, but I'm really at peace with all of it and feel so lucky that I get to live the life I am living. It's perfect for me right now where I am physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. etc.
May it continue for a very long time. Or dare I say get even better.
Nothing in particular, but I'm really at peace with all of it and feel so lucky that I get to live the life I am living. It's perfect for me right now where I am physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. etc.
May it continue for a very long time. Or dare I say get even better.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
I'm Going on a Diet
One topic I've been interested in and reading a lot about for the past two years is personal finance. At 39 years of age, I am finally beginning to realize that the only person who's going to take care of me in the future is me. A slightly annoying realization, honestly.
In order to be prepared for whatever that future will be for however long it lasts, I feel like I need to arm myself with information and take action so I'm not a burden to friends, family, or society at large.
On this journey, I've been following a couple of blogs fairly regularly - The Simple Dollar and Get Rich Slowly. And I've made some concerted efforts. I save 10 percent of my pre-tax income in a 401(k) and I save another 10 percent of my pre-tax income (after taxes have been taken out) in a savings account. In order to achieve these savings goals, I've incorporated some mental games and frugality activities into my life.
About once a month I do a $10 weekend. As in spend only $10 from Friday after work to Monday.
Most other weeks I try to only spend money on weekends and buy only one thing during the work week. This means if I go to lunch on Monday, that's it. No other spending until Friday after work. I'm not completely strict on this one, but I do try to go into the week knowing exactly where my money will be going so there are no impulse purchases. I've also cancelled cable, started packing lunch every single day and cut out all stops to the bakery or coffee shop. Everything I consume in a day has to come from home.
Frugality can be addicting so I find myself looking for new and better ways to cut expenses. And today I found one while reading another favorite blog - Unclutterer. Today's entry describes a challenge called the Great American Apparel Diet - a movement to abstain from spending any money on clothes for one year. One year!
While reading this blog entry, I recalled a recent conversation with Staci (I think we can safely assume her name's going to come up a lot on this blog). As we were talking I went on and on about how perfect my current wardrobe is and how there is absolutely nothing missing.
So if this is true, why not put this little challenge to the test? Can I go a year without buying any new clothes? I'm willing to give it a shot. There's absolutely nothing to lose. Here's me, vowing to my little cyber world that I will not purchase any clothing for one year from today, July 24, 2010. With one caveat - I need a light spring/fall jacket and have been on the lookout for the perfect one for forever. If I find it this year, I'm going to buy it. Oh, and shoes don't count...and neither do undergarments.
Game on.
In order to be prepared for whatever that future will be for however long it lasts, I feel like I need to arm myself with information and take action so I'm not a burden to friends, family, or society at large.
On this journey, I've been following a couple of blogs fairly regularly - The Simple Dollar and Get Rich Slowly. And I've made some concerted efforts. I save 10 percent of my pre-tax income in a 401(k) and I save another 10 percent of my pre-tax income (after taxes have been taken out) in a savings account. In order to achieve these savings goals, I've incorporated some mental games and frugality activities into my life.
About once a month I do a $10 weekend. As in spend only $10 from Friday after work to Monday.
Most other weeks I try to only spend money on weekends and buy only one thing during the work week. This means if I go to lunch on Monday, that's it. No other spending until Friday after work. I'm not completely strict on this one, but I do try to go into the week knowing exactly where my money will be going so there are no impulse purchases. I've also cancelled cable, started packing lunch every single day and cut out all stops to the bakery or coffee shop. Everything I consume in a day has to come from home.
Frugality can be addicting so I find myself looking for new and better ways to cut expenses. And today I found one while reading another favorite blog - Unclutterer. Today's entry describes a challenge called the Great American Apparel Diet - a movement to abstain from spending any money on clothes for one year. One year!
While reading this blog entry, I recalled a recent conversation with Staci (I think we can safely assume her name's going to come up a lot on this blog). As we were talking I went on and on about how perfect my current wardrobe is and how there is absolutely nothing missing.
So if this is true, why not put this little challenge to the test? Can I go a year without buying any new clothes? I'm willing to give it a shot. There's absolutely nothing to lose. Here's me, vowing to my little cyber world that I will not purchase any clothing for one year from today, July 24, 2010. With one caveat - I need a light spring/fall jacket and have been on the lookout for the perfect one for forever. If I find it this year, I'm going to buy it. Oh, and shoes don't count...and neither do undergarments.
Game on.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Table for One
One of the loneliest times of the day for me is dinnertime. Eating alone day after day is one of the biggest downers of the single life. Not that I don't go out with friends on a regular basis. I do. And not that it really impacts me all that much in my day to day life. It doesn't. Just that sharing a meal seems like one of the most basic forms of human connection and eating alone most of the time is a frequent reminder of a void.
Before this gets too maudlin, I'm also in the mood to share because I've been in a serious cooking mood this summer and I want to show the world (who knows how long it will last). Here are a couple of recent dinners. Nothing fancy, but it feels good to share with others, even virtually.
Blueberry buttermilk pancakes (from scratch) with real maple syrup.
Quinoa with eggs, cheese, salsa, cilantro, and avacado. A newly discovered favorite.
Before this gets too maudlin, I'm also in the mood to share because I've been in a serious cooking mood this summer and I want to show the world (who knows how long it will last). Here are a couple of recent dinners. Nothing fancy, but it feels good to share with others, even virtually.
Blueberry buttermilk pancakes (from scratch) with real maple syrup.
Quinoa with eggs, cheese, salsa, cilantro, and avacado. A newly discovered favorite.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Pitter Patter
I woke up this morning (6:11 am) to the sound of soft rain on the skylight. It's been a while since it rained other than summer thunderstormy sort of rain and it sounded nice and calming and made me happy. Go figure.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Motivation
A recent comment from a friend motivated me to start this blog, something I've been contemplating for years. I went hiking last week and posted a few photos to Facebook.
Staci commented that she was so happy to see pictures since it's rare to get a glimpse into my life. Very true. It's a life lived primarily alone, without observation. And although I'm satisfied (and dare I say happy) with how I live, I still have a need to tell the world that I was here. That my life, despite being unwitnessed, mattered and matters and is worthy of being shared.
So I'm putting my everyday thoughts and life out into cyberspace, not really expecting anyone to read it, but mostly to fulfill my own desire to live a documented life.
Staci commented that she was so happy to see pictures since it's rare to get a glimpse into my life. Very true. It's a life lived primarily alone, without observation. And although I'm satisfied (and dare I say happy) with how I live, I still have a need to tell the world that I was here. That my life, despite being unwitnessed, mattered and matters and is worthy of being shared.
So I'm putting my everyday thoughts and life out into cyberspace, not really expecting anyone to read it, but mostly to fulfill my own desire to live a documented life.
Come Over, There's Plenty to Eat
I spent a lot of my day off today shopping and cooking.
These whole wheat blueberry muffins would be even more perfect if I'd remembered the sugar.
Homemade granola is my newest obsession. I must have a batch in the fridge at all times. Excellent with plain yogurt and fresh blueberries for breakfast.
Dinner tonight was fish with a zucchini salsa. Good but a little bland. Next time I'll add a little kick. Maybe garlic? Or cilantro?
As Big as my Head
These sunflowers are absolutely huge and spectacular and literally as big as my head. I love them.
Each week during the summer I buy flowers from the flower vendor outside of Whole Foods. The guy who owns the flower booth is from Senegal so every weekend we chat in Wolof (briefly) and then in French which makes me so happy.
Plus, just look at these flowers!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Burnt Beets
I got so into creating this blog that I left beets on the stove boiling in water that eventually evaporated down to nothing. It doesn't smell so good in here right now AND I ruined 4 perfectly beatiful orbs. Moment of silence please.
Directions Karma
I get asked for directions all the time. As a city dweller and avid walker, I must look like I know where I'm going. I always try to help and most of the time I'm right, but some of the time I'm wrong. Like yesterday.
We were at Dupont Circle on New Hampshire Ave. and the woman wanted to know how to get to National Geographic which I KNOW is at 17th and M. When we got to that really confusing intersection where 18th and New Hampshire and Q all come together, I mistakenly told the woman to keep going straight on New Hampshire to 17th when I should have told her to take Q to 17th. She went on her merry way and 5 minutes later I realized my mistake.
The biggest problem with being so familiar with the city is that when I've given bad directions I usually figure it out at some point. And then I feel horrible that I led some perfectly clueless strangers, who trusted me completely, off in the wrong direction. It sort of haunts me. The interaction with the woman happened around 12:30 pm and I literally stewed about it for the rest of the day. She put her fate in my hands and I let her down.
Fast forward to 8:00 pm as I was emerging from the metro on my way home and another unsuspecting stranger asked how to get to 15th and L. Well I gave her the most perfect and accurate directions ever given.
I don't exactly know how karma works, but hopefully it evened everything out.
We were at Dupont Circle on New Hampshire Ave. and the woman wanted to know how to get to National Geographic which I KNOW is at 17th and M. When we got to that really confusing intersection where 18th and New Hampshire and Q all come together, I mistakenly told the woman to keep going straight on New Hampshire to 17th when I should have told her to take Q to 17th. She went on her merry way and 5 minutes later I realized my mistake.
The biggest problem with being so familiar with the city is that when I've given bad directions I usually figure it out at some point. And then I feel horrible that I led some perfectly clueless strangers, who trusted me completely, off in the wrong direction. It sort of haunts me. The interaction with the woman happened around 12:30 pm and I literally stewed about it for the rest of the day. She put her fate in my hands and I let her down.
Fast forward to 8:00 pm as I was emerging from the metro on my way home and another unsuspecting stranger asked how to get to 15th and L. Well I gave her the most perfect and accurate directions ever given.
I don't exactly know how karma works, but hopefully it evened everything out.
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